Oopsies

So the last time I update this blog was at the end of August of 2008. That was about 8 months ago. Jebus. I did not mean to abandon this blog for that long, but I suppose I just sort of did.

I am avoiding a massive paper right now, which is why I suppose I am choosing now rather than any other time to post. Aah procrastination. Why can’t I be a better student?

Also, I am twittering now. Find me. I update that a lot more than I do this. Obviously.

Hi MJ. You are probably the only one reading this. Maybe Joel too. Hi Joel.

Always ten steps behind.

Well here I sit. The beginning of a new semester. Not a new school though, which is a different feeling.

Many of my favorite loves are over in London town. You have no idea how much I want to visit them. I am willing to drop three thousand dollars to go over there and see them for three days. Not joking at all. I just want to be a grown up. Get away from the bullshit that comes with being a twenty year old. Be out there making as much of a living as a professional actor can count on. But I guess I should take a page from my dearest Joel and just shrug and enjoy the bullshit. Because as I am sure this is not even the beginning of the crap that life is going to throw at me.

I have auditions in two weeks. And I already have a song and a monologue. I am immensely prepared. Yet I have this sinking feeling that I am going to be dissappointed in the casting of the musical. I really really really hope that is not the case, but sometimes I can’t get away from the fear that maybe I am not as good as I want to be. I am constantly doubting myself as a performer. And its hard to get away from that. Maybe I need to re-read Art and Fear. That usually does a good job of calming my frantic nerves.

That is all for now. I miss you. I really do.

The farther you run the more you feel undefined.

I am really glad that my last post went on and on about how I was going to be a better blogger and that was almost two weeks ago. Whoops.

I was wasting time on facebook today, as I often do, and I came to a not so happy conclusion. I am very detatched from Dominican. At Millikin I had multiple best friends, and could make friends very easily. Dominican isn’t the same way. The one good friend I have at Dominican is leaving to go to Illinois Wesleyan in two weeks. Everyone else who I might consider calling a friend is only that, something I have to consider before I say it out loud. Not one Dominican theater kid called me this summer. And I guess it can be said that I didn’t call them either, but through stalking wall to walls I know they all got together at least once. I feel like such an outsider. I came here halfway through my sophmore year, and didn’t live on campus. But I lived near campus and got involved before the semester even started with  Working. I just don’t know what I am supposed to do for the next two years. Attend a school and take class and be involved in shows, but don’t make great ties or friendships? It all seems pretty ludacris to me. I have alot of people in my life I am friends with and I can be in a room with and have a great time, but I don’t really have ‘best friends’ anymore. Colleen is probably the only person in my life right now I could call a best friend. Natalie has been MIA all summer. Mel is definately up there, but she is either in Decatur, Austin, or London. Rosana barely even makes small talk with me when I see her randomly on campus. Sandra and I just don’t talk much anymore. And thats it. In the last 6 or so years of my life, those people have been my best friends. Its funny. I thought me going to Dominican would make me and Rosana closer, but its seemed to do the complete opposite of that. I just feel lost. And I don’t know how to find my way back.

Blogging: the artform.

I’ve decided to be a better blogger. Call it an end of the summer resolution if you will. I started this blog right before the turn of the year, and we are now nearing the end of the 7th month and I haven’t even made 20 posts. Whoops. And I see the dedication of such lovely friends of mine like Joel, Christa, and Tiffany (who all write very fun blogs to read by the way), and I kick myself for not keeping mine up. Although I know I shouldn’t let my lack of blogging be such a heavy topic in my mind, I’ve decided to fix the problem all together. Maybe a fun layout will help. I’ll get on that. Soon.

So I am sitting here in the carriage house at St. Edwards University in Austin, Texas. I am visiting the loverly Melissa Rosenberg, but alas she is in rehearsal. So she sent me over to this little house on campus with a piano, tons of sheet music and a mediocre at best internet connection. I think alot by myself. Well, who doesn’t, but I always come up with the most ludicrous things when I’m alone. Since I am assuming this is used as a choir room, and I think about what would have happened if I had done music education instead of musical theater. I think about sitting down at the piano and writing a song. I think about practicing pullbacks. I think about maybe writing that four page paper thats due the day after I get back from Texas. Think. Think. Think. I am a thinker. Which isn’t a bad thing. But when those thinks get the best of you, thats where it sucks. Maybe another end of summer resolution will be not to think too much. I’ll get right on that one as well.

Only me beside you. Still…you’re not alone.

As I climbed into the passenger seat of the little black BMW I affectionatley, albiet secretly, refer to as Deliliah, my sister immediately sprung on me her woe of the day. She and her boyfriend had a fight the night before and they had not talked all day. This to her was incredibly distressing. As I heard her talk, I tried to reason with her that significant others didn’t need to talk every day. Sometimes you each get busy, or you just have nothing to say. Though I would prefer to at least converse with someone I am involved with daily, I don’t hold it as the basis of my relationship. Alexa disagrees, saying that she is considering breaking up with her boyfriend if he doesn’t call her today. Once again, I attempted to get her to understand my point. And just as I was explaining that I didn’t always talk to my boyfriends every day, she pulled out this doozy.

“Yeah, well you’ve never been in love.”

That phrase always kills me. No matter who utters it. If it is meant to be derogative, supportive or complimentary, I hate hearing it. And I am not really sure why it bothers me so much. Actually, scratch that. I know exactly why it bothers me so much. I think I am pretty close to being an eternal optimist. I always believe in the power of love, no matter how often it snubs me. I believe people can meet and fall deeply in love and spend the rest of their lives together being happy and have tons of great married sex. Maybe its this hope of the perfect future that keeps me from finding it. But it is really so wrong of me to think that things will work out? So wrong to think there is someone out there for me and only me?

When I express these woes to my friends, many of them have actually told me that they find my lack of love admirable, that it helps make me me. I have never had to attend a funeral of someone I was close to, and my lack of love. Those are the two things people wish they could experience instead of me. Maybe it is my nievity with the situations, but I don’t see a lack of life experiences as a good thing.

I know. I need to wait. It will come. Eventually. All I hope for is that eventually is sooner rather than later.

Robot Parade.

Alright. Alright. I know I have been awful about keeping all 4 of my devout readers updated on my life. I promise I will be better about that in the future. I just wanted to blog one of my new favorite video’s that I think everyone should watch.

http://www.vimeo.com/1293490

I tried to put the actual video in the blog but wordpress wouldn’t let me. But trust me. Its one of the cutest videos I’ve seen to recent date.

Gut feelings are always right.

If I ever begin to doubt my gut feelings, could you all please just slap me upside my head and tell me to remember this story.

So I borrowed a library book from a friend and she’s really been hounding on me to get it returned, but I just honestly haven’t had the time. Since it’s my weekend off, and she’s really been pestering me, I figured tonite is as good as any nite. I had been a bum all day, and just had this gut instinct that I didn’t want to go out. My sister asked if she could come and then we could go tanning. I thought ‘perfect. an excuse to actually do something.’ Then mo decides she doesn’t want to go. I don’t really want to either, but I figure that I just need to get this done. That is when the signs start happening.
First I can’t find my shoes.
Then I trip down the stairs as I’m leaving my house.
I notice I have like no gas.
But do I stop? Nope. I keep on going.
I pass RB and get a wacky feeling.
I pass the site where Joel and I broke up and my stomach tightens.
I get a major craving for Piasans pizza.
But do I think that my intution is trying to tell me something? Nope.
I pull up in front of the library, and the sign says closed. I think ’shit’. I decide to hold onto the book rather than put it in the deposit box, since I’ve got to pay the fines on it anyway.
I get back into my car and start driving. I am halfway making a right hand turn on the next street when I notice the ‘do not enter’ sign. Because Brookfield has some funky streets, my head and hands just automatically go ‘hey just pull a U-ie’. When I finish the U-turn, I give a ‘thanks for letting me go’ to the car sitting behind me when I notice. It’s an undercover cop car. Shit shit shit. I know there is absolutely no way I am getting out of this. I had a whole shpeil in my head planned out for the first time I got pulled over, but I knew not a lick of it would work. Plus I look like I had been lying in bed all day, mainly because I had. I get a ticket for ‘failing to yeild at an intersection.’  Sonofabitch. My great pride in never even being pulled over suddenly goes out the window. I am just like all the other shitty drivers now. 
So I pull away from the incident so I can go tanning in an attempt to get my mind off the recent event. I pull into the tanning place’s parking lot and I notice. This place is also closed. That’s correct folks. Brittany left her house and got a ticket to go to two places that were both closed. I basically went for a joy ride, wasted some gas and got pulled over. Ahh what a good day.

Moral of the story: Reading is for suckers who want traffic tickets.

Random thoughts

Do nuns masturbate? I mean. Is that considered a sin? Do they just do it and then confess about it? Or do they not do it at all? And if they don’t, do they ever get horny? Or is horniness not experienced by nuns?

Also. It really irks me when people over the age of 23 talk to people under the age of 17. Well. To correct that statement; when males over 23 talk to girls still in high school. Granted, at that age, I thought I was so mature and so cool, I totally deserved to have older guy friends. No. You don’t. You are not mature. You are probably slutty. You are definately awkward. 90% of the time these guys are just looking for young hotties just so they can say they can get you. My philosophy is that if you couldn’t have gone to high school together, you probably shouldn’t talk until you both have at the very least graduated from it.  Plus. Maybe it’s just me. But braces-donning, ambercrombie and ugg wearing, ‘I dont like beer. it tastes funny’ -type girls are just not attractive. Ah well. Who am I to judge. I am just sayin’ is all.

we stop living when we claim it’s not worth it to reflect

I am constantly in a state of meaning to write a new entry, but I never get around to it. But procrastinating writing papers is a good a time as any to update. I am now entering my final three days in my first semester at Dominican. It’s been an interesting ride. I have been close to leaving. Close to being an RA. Close to leaving again. And now. Here I am. Having made the decision to stay, I feel good. I know getting my degree is something I just have to do. And even though it is something that doesn’t necessarily tickle my fancy right now, it is going to benefit me in the long run.  So I’m okay with that. I am just getting through this last week, and then I have all of summer to enjoy.

Well. Kind of. I’m still going to be crazy busy. Summer plans as of now for sure include continuing to work at the gym, taking an english class (billy baby!), and hopefully dropping twenty pounds and increasing my flexability so I am ready for Chicago in the fall. Yes, that’s correct. Dominican is doing Chicago in the fall. I know. You don’t even have to say anything. So I really want to be way hot for that once auditions come around. Tentitive summer plans include going to Austin to visit Melrose and possibly doing a show. I don’t currently think I am going to actually audition anywhere, but a friend of mine brought up the possibility of being involved in a show he wrote that he is producing over the summer. So that’s up in the air. I am just kind of hoping to make a bunch of money, because I will probably have to get a car for next semester since once again I will be back to living at home. And since gas is approaching 4 bucks a gallon, I need to get some moolah in my pocket.

There is so much more to expand upon, but nothing is flowing from my fingers.

it’s exhausting being real but it’s worse to know I’m fake

when everything is counterfeit it makes me wanna break

Dear Megan Joy,

I am sorry it has taken me so long to write to you, but I don’t have internet in my apartment and I always feel so awkward blogging in the school’s computer lab. Something makes me uninspired in there. But I am sitting here on my bed at my parent’s house, eating rainbow sherbet and writing you a post.
I am so glad that I got to see you last weekend. My life is seriously not the same without you in it. And I am happy that the distance between us hasn’t wracked too much havoc on our friendship.
I still cannot believe you are graduating early. I am so beyond jealous. Probably because I don’t even know when, or if, I am going to finish my undergrad. I keep going back and forth as to what I am going to do about next year. A very strong part of me wants to drop out and do the whole cosmetology route, because I love doing makeup/hair and I can get a good job after just a year of school. But there is also this little voice inside my head going, no no no just finish what you started. You don’t want to be a college drop out. I feel like I am trying to please too many people. And I really need to figure out what is going to make me happy and benefit me in the long run. I have my meeting at Aveda(the place I want to go) on Thursday, so hopefully I like the institute and I get more info to help me make this decision.
I started a new job. I am working at Loyola Center for Health and Fitness, or basically the gym that’s in Loyola Hospital. My friend Colleen works there too, and she basically got me the job. It’s a pretty sweet gig. Long hours, but the pay is awesome and I get a free membership at the gym. So I’m hoping to have a rockin bod by summer. Ha. Bod.
I miss you. Alot. And I love you even more. Say hi to Nate for me.
I will let you know when I am coming down next.
Love love love love love
-Brittany